So, here I was graduating high school. I really didn’t even want to finish but my father, who did not finish, was adamant that all his daughters would. “But, Daddy, where I want to go and what I want to do, I will not need this,” I would plead. “You can do what you want to do after you finish,” he replied.
I spent my high school years studying the book “Audition”. I took classes at Broadway Dance Center and at Steps in New York City, got my headshots done and worked on my resume, I was never not in a show and spent my days of the week and weekends in rehersals and performing around New Jersey. I went for voice lessons twice a week and memorized monologues for future auditions. When I graduated, I would be ready and I was. I did every single thing on the checklist of things to do to get yourself out there and was now signed with Shirley Grant Management.
About to live out my dream, the one that this five year old girl culminated after sitting starry eyed watching Shelly Bruce belt out “Tomorrow” in Annie on Broadway. “That is what I want to do with my life, Mommy!” It was all about to come true. I had several down to the last few standing for the lead in “Carrie” on Broadway, “Eponine” on Broadway and a touring company of “Annie”. I could almost taste it. It was all I ever known. Singing, Dancing, Acting, Performing….the stage….my first love.
Then, that all too familiar intestinal flu came about. It would last a few weeks and somehow would go away…..this time it came on fast and furious…..”That is ok,” I thought, “it will go away soon and then I will start going out on more calls.” Shirley already had me trying for movies. I remember getting several callbacks for the movie, “Zebrahead”.
This flu was relentless. One whole month flew by before I even realized it was that long and it was not going away. This time it was different. This time there was blood with the stool. No not just blood. Blood clots. I went into the hospital and was put through the most humiliating tests. I am used to them now. Not that you ever get used to them but as a shy teenager having a barium enema while bleeding actively, I am not sure if there was more physical pain or more emotional pain of complete and utter shame. The doctor came in and diagnosed me with Inflammatory Bowel Disease and started me on a high dose of IV Solumedrol. It didn’t help much. I still had the urgency. I still had the frequent stool. I still had the blood. I still had the dream and passion to be on Broadway. Therefore, I begged to be discharged.
During this time period, things started to become loss after loss. I lost my friends, I lost being able to perform, I lost my bowels several times in public, I became a prisoner of the bathroom and camped out there. I lost my freedom. I lost everything that made up who I was. I became secluded and like Jean Val Jean sang in Les Miserables, I started to question without “theater”, WHO AM I?
This was my second loss………………
