Last year, at this time, I saw my brother in law, at a good friend’s wake. A few days later, he texted me, “Happy Birthday Sister!” It was the first time he referred to me as his sister. My heart leapt. I never had brothers and it made me feel wonderful to be accepted in his heart as his sister (he was an only child). I recall within that feeling of warm and fuzzy, I felt a feeling of unease….why now? Why refer to me in this way now? I brushed it off as my own guard over my heart which is very vault like in nature having let people in and to be bled open more times than I care to remember and do.
Then, October 26, 2017 happened. I was driving to my Social Work Methods class(one of my favorite classes….just love research and statistics) and in comes a text. “Norman was in an accident. No worries, go to class”. In class, I receive a text, “Norman has died”. I felt as if I couldn’t breathe and my professor asked me if all was ok. I walked in a zombie fashion to him, as my go to in fight or flight mode is to freeze like a deer in headlights, and showed him the text and said, “My brother in law was in an accident and died.” He told me to not worry about anything and to email when I could update. I drove home. I took out my pink suitcase methodically, and packed my bag for at least a week’s stay and drove to my sisters home and there was my sister and their two daughters, just hugging and crying. I became a rock as that is the role I know how to be for my family, and didn’t shed a tear and kept presence for the many tears that have shed and still shed till this day.
Today, I have become quiet. My heart is hurting. It is as if I am reliving the days before “the day”. All the emotion that has been inside of me is sneaking up…. begging to be heard and yet, I am quiet. So, I am writing. Writing has become, for me, a safe way of giving my emotions a voice when I am too frozen to speak.
The buildup of the day itself seems to be worse than the actual day (although that yet remains to be seen). The words, “Happy Birthday Sister”, are haunting me. Why did he wait till this birthday and this time to call me sister? Sometimes the spirit knows what we may know not.
As the time gets closer, to October 26, this year, I will pack my pink suitcase and stay with my sister and nieces. Keeping presence.
And Norman, I know you are around listening, you ARE my brother. The brother I never had. I love you. I miss you. See you on the other side of the curtain. Tell my Grandfather I long to see him once again.
This one is for you! 👇👇👇Baby, we were born to run!
